I Heart SeaWorld…

…but probably not for the reasons you might think.
Nope, I Heart SeaWorld because deep down, under all the loud muzak and flashy lights and acres of lycra there beats the soul and mind of a small child…

…One who can’t spell.

This missive, was presented to the wolrd  world as an info-document extolling the virtues of the new “Aquatica” attraction opening in San Antonio in May 2014.

seaworld 1A “serene offering”? Well, that sounds lovely. But probably only if you are impervious to squawks, squeals and sudden noises…and that’s just the guests. Small children, over-dosed on e-numbers and sheer excitement, will charge about splashing and yelling and having a ball. Small children love water, it’s an undeniable fact. Birds, unless they are ducks or pigeons and you have bread, are not exactly “Shamu”. They also have a tendency to hide. Especially when scared. They also poop. From above.  I really don’t think I need to say more……
Some of the birds” says SeaWorld, “are considered threatened or endangered” well they will be if the above is anything to go by…I am unclear as to how this is going to help conservation in any way. Considering this document is littered with spelling mistakes, perhaps they actually meant “conversation”?

seaworld 2

A “waterfront beach”…..is there any other kind?

Floating along Loggerhead Lane river, well that actually sounds rather nice, but I am puzzled as to what Loggerhead Baech might involve…wading in a “new pool” with or without it’s “grotto-style waterfall” just sounds downright dangerous to me. The thought of some of SeaWorld’s more rotund visitors actively tucking their skirts into their knickers so as not to get wet is mildly debilitating. It’s enough to make the poor birds lay the same egg twice. Still, I’m sure the “educators” will know about the rare phenomenon where a bird actually can lay the same egg twice (well, sort of). I do, and I have never even see a SeaWorld! (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newsvideo/weirdnewsvideo/9818679/Hen-lays-egg-within-an-egg.html)

Take note that even when “Aquatica” is closed you can still visit the aviary…..wow, those poor birds will get no peace at all. If they weren’t “threatened” before they certainly will be now.

seaworld 3


“Aquatica…is a waterpark only SeaWorld could create”. Yes, I’ll give them that. Who else would want to? Seriously, where else in the world could you get soaked, pooped on, pecked, traumatised by the sight of lardy ladies with their knickers on show and deafened all in a “serene offering”? Yes, the serenity just oozes out. Bit like guano between the toes….
This little snippet, though, is why I Heart SeaWorld the best: “The park offers experiences from the serence, like 42,000 square feet of white sandy beaches…” “serence”? What does that mean? It’s not even a word, is it? “…like, 42,000 square feet…” Whoa, dude, like wow.

Keep on truckin’ SeaWorld…I’m off for more “deatails” so I can (not) plan my “visist”.


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